“An avoidant person keeps themself safe . . . by refusing to be vulnerable. This can look like overconfidence, pride, or the inner discipline of a rule follower. They use control to counter insecurity. . . . This same desire for inner perfection can keep them from the vulnerability needed for vulnerable connection and love-based obedience to God.”- Summer Joy Gross
In Chapter 3 (“Insecure Avoidance Attachment” of The Emmanuel Promise, Summer Joy Gross points out that the caregiver of an insecure anxious person often questioned his/her needs. As a result, when you ran to the arms of your caregiver, you expected a soft place to land. Most significantly, Summer notes, children react. They don’t create attachment.
Instead, you encountered an emotional wall. However, Summer counsels, every child needs someone who’s “tuned in,” someone to:
- wait patiently.
- tenderly hold them as the storm of feelings shifts, sorts, and makes its way through.
- lean in, listen to, stay with them in the storm until it subsides.
- understand, not fix.
- settle, not dismiss.
- soothe, not tranquilize.
Furthermore, just as an aside, Summer states that it’s possible to form different bonds with different caregivers. Also, the author urges us to remember that an attachment simply measures the quality of your bond. Even so, we emerge from early childhood with a primary attachment style. A style that serves as a pattern for later engagement.
In conclusion, Summer describes three masks an insecure avoidant puts on to keep themself safe.
1. Staying busy. Finding ways to stay busy helps you avoid putting in the work to sit, listen, and position yourself with Christ. Hence, you create distance and more of a reason to avoid Him.
2. Numbing needs and being silenced. Perhaps we never even think to ask Jesus for help. Or the idea even fails to enter our consciousness.
3. Not getting close and staying in head knowledge. Finally, Summer cautions: ” If our churches only stay in a left-brained intellectual vein, we don’t have someone to position us to experience an encounter with the love of God. We may have been promised a relationship, but quickly dialed down our expectations.”
Today’s question: What Bible verses help you counter the desire for inner perfection? Please share.
Tomorrow’s blog: “Unfailing mercy of God”
